Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
