The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
