I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
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