The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize