david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
