I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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