Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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