Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
