You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
It's like God shit irony all over that family
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
