wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
stop calling my apartment porn island.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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