If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
