I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
