i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
