i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Randomize
