I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
