I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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