Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Randomize
