Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
