im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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