I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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