turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
