Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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