I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize