My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
