singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
