Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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