Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
