Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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