I CAN MOONWALK!
where am i from again
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
