I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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