her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
