as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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