Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
