I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
