I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I AM VODKA MAN
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
