cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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