Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
