I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm like, not good at living.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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