He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
