I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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