I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
