I heard we made out
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
