My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm jealous of your bromance
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
