its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
