i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
