Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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