hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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