i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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