just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
