k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
