I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
