hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
