there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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