I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
