there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
