1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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