I'm eating all of the evidence.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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