This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
