its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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