I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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