I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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