You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Randomize